if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
