Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
