Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
He passed out mid-signature
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
