I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I checked into jail on foursquare
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
