i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
