I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
