im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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