god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize