i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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