I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
