I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Randomize
