I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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