I want to stick my p in your. b.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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