I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
