she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
