you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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