watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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