All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
