the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
