shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
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