Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
