The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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