In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
