I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
