im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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