people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Watching her eat just hurts me
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
