this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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