how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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