I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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