why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
