Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize