Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
