I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
