bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I smell stomach acid.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
