why didn't you poke me back
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
