I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize