I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
