Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize