New invention idea: vibrating tampons
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
