dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize