Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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