whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
