I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
