I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
