i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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