but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
