Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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