I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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