if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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