I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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