i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
