Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
