this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
