I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
