I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
