She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
