i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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