i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
