she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Randomize
